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Urkraftsmester, healer og leder af kvindecirkler

Den skjulte gave

Den skjulte gave

Jeg sætter den ene fod foran den anden, mens jeg går lidt planløst rundt. Solen skinner fra en skyfri himmel og forårs solen gør godt på de blege vinterkinder.

Der er lidt tid endnu, inden jeg skal mødes med min aftale, så jeg ser mig omkring efter noget at bruge tiden på og går i stå.

Jeg er midt i en tid, hvor det er sådan det er. Pludselig holder min hjerne simpelthen bare pause og så må jeg pænt vente til den er færdig. Det er en konsekvens af, at have kørt mig selv så meget ned, at min egen krop simpelthen bare lukker af for mere nu.
Vores kloge kroppe, der kan holde til så meget. Jeg har nægtet at lytte til dens signaler så længe, at den nu måtte gå til yderste konsekvens og simpelthen bare momentært slukke for alt initiativkraft.

Jeg står foran en travl gade og da lydene vender tilbage igen, ser jeg op, hen over biler og cykler der suser forbi mig.
Bag velholdte træer og buske tårner en høj bygning sig op. En kirke.
Jeg har lært tidligt, at have en stor antipati imod den slags bygninger. De er fine nok som arkitektur, men at søge trøst der, det sker ikke.
Men alligevel bærer mine ben mig hen over de hvide striber på forgængerfeltet og over til det grønne løv.

Der sidder mennesker på bænkene i det grønne omkring kirken, både alene og sammen. Alle er de travlt optaget og jeg får lov at være for mig selv. Jeg når at tænke på, om de ser den skønhed de er omgivet af?
Men sådan er det jo for de fleste af os. I hverdagens skønne rus ænser vi ikke så meget omkring os.
Der er så meget vi skal nå.
Men jeg går her og er blevet smidt ud af hverdagens skønne rus og er nu tvunget til, at se.

Nærvær.

Uha, bare lidt ad gangen. For meget er overvældende, selvom jeg har en tendens til at ville indtage livet i store grådige bidder.

Jeg går hen ad flisegangen og op til den tunge trædør. Jeg bliver i tvivl om, det er i orden at gå derind.
Et øjeblik tør jeg næsten ikke engang prøve at se om døren er åben, for den låste dør ville svide som en afvisning i mit sårbare hjerte.
Jeg søger trøst, men tør jeg?
Jeg er ved at få døren i hovedet, da en ældre dame åbner døren indefra og skal ud. Hun smiler til mig og jeg ser at, hun er engel der byder mig velkommen.

Indenfor bliver der stille. Byens larm er væk og istedet er der den velkendte rumklang fra det store kirkerum. En støvsuger ligger midt på gangen mellem rækkerne og jeg står lidt og kigger.
Prøver at være så usynlig som mulig og tager mod til mig.

Jeg beslutter mig for, at sætte mig på en af de bagerste bænke og bare være lidt.
Når min hjerne ikke holder sine pauser, kører den derudaf med en kværnen og der skal så lidt til, en tanke der kommer forbi, før mit hjerte begynder at dunke i mit bryst.
Jeg sidder stiv på bænken og prøver at være.
Jeg ser figurerne på væggen, hvordan bænkene er slidt af utallige knæfald. Jeg hører lyden af mennesker der pusler, men jeg kan ikke se dem.

Min krop gør en dyb vejrtrækning og falder lidt mere ned i støtten fra den bænk jeg sidder på.
Jeg folder hænderne i skødet og lukker øjnene. Det føles som det rigtige at gøre.
Bare et øjeblik, tænker jeg.

Og her sker det. En høj lyd går igennem kirken og mit flossede nervesystem er højspændt på et splitsekundt!
Jeg åbner øjnene på vid gab og stivner.
Alt ånder dog ro og fred i rummet mens jeg ser rundt og i øjeblikket efter går det op for mig, at det er orglet der er begyndt at spille. Jeg falder til ro og lukker øjnene igen.

Tid og rum forsvinder for mig, mens tonerne fordeler sig ud i rummet.
Selv min hjerne opgiver sit ævred, uden at gå på pause.
Jeg sidder der og suger hver eneste tone til mig. Jeg har aldrig hørt orgelmusik i en helt tom kirke før og det er fantastisk! Hele min krop vibrerer med de smukke toner og løsner noget inden i mig.
Jeg er som eneste gæst til en koncert spillet særligt for mig og jeg bobler over af dyb taknemmelighed over den trøst der blev givet, da jeg ledte efter den.

Musikken dør ud med lidt leg hen over klaviaturet. Jeg er tydeligvis trådt ind i en lille øvesession for organisten og almindelig hverdag for kirkens ansatte. Organisten vil aldrig vide, hvilken betydning det havde at han besluttede sig for at øve, lige præcis i det øjeblik. Men for mig var det en gave, et mirakel, jeg altid vil have med mig.

Da jeg træder ud gennem den tunge trædør og ud i dagligdagen igen er det med et hjerte fyldt med kærlighed og snart går jeg ind i et varmt knus. Tiden havde svøbt sig om hele oplevelsen og passede perfekt.

Vi går grinende over for at få en kop kaffe, mens jeg lige sniger mit til at kigge hen over skulderen og sende et skjult luftkys over imod kirken, der står rank som om intet lige er sket.
Udefra er alt som det plejer, men dem der kunne se, de ville vide det.

 



86 thoughts on “Den skjulte gave”

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